Lessons from Dad
June 20th, 2010
I got to spend a lot of time with my father growing up on a farm and during the 20 years we were partners in business. I learned a lot from my dad over the years. I learned from the things he said and from observing his life. The observation taught me both how to live my life and how I wanted my life to be different from his. The advice, which he freely gave, included some good advice and some that I chose to not follow. I have no regrets from how I handled either.
Mostly, my dad’s way of teaching was to tell me and my siblings what he wanted done and left us to figure out how to do it. Many of the things we were told to do on the farm were things that were new to my dad as well. When we started in business together, he was as inexperienced as I was. He taught me to read blueprints and gave me the task of being the construction estimator. He gave me the title of manager and left it up to me to learn to manage. It was frustrating and I hated it sometimes, but I learned far more than if I had been given a complete manual on each task. I would have hated that a lot more. After a while, I didn’t need to be pointed in a direction to get things done. I suggested we move the business in a direction and if we agreed, I did what was needed to make it work.
While I was doing the tasks that I became good at, my dad was doing the things he enjoyed. He worked hard and expected everyone else to also. He set high expectations and he wasn’t shy about expressing his disapproval of less than desired results. I learned to be tactful and considerate from seeing and feeling how that behavior was ineffective.
With his family, my father could be the most loving and supportive parent sometimes and at other times, be cruel, mean and belligerent. I could never understand how he could be totally different people at different times. I just knew that wasn’t how I wanted to be. I still wonder how he felt about his life. I loved my dad. I accepted him as he was. I became very introspective because I wanted to understand myself and the choices I made in contrast to how he lived. I became more accepting of other people’s life choices and less judgmental because of the need to accept his.
I know that my life as a father has been and will continue to be a learning experience for my children. They will see and think about how I have lived my life as well as the things I have said. Many of the choices I make are made for how they will appear to my family. I am very proud of the adults my children have become. I admire their differences from each other and from me. I also see the things they do and the way they act that is because of my life and words. They are teaching me lessons now as they have all their lives. If things work out as they should, we learn more from our children after they grow up than we taught them. We get to see how life is supposed to be lived. That’s what I think.
Published in the Harper County Herald in my column I Wonder, and republished here with permission.
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What can I do?
April 30th, 2010
What can I do? By Stan Weddle
It hasn’t been too long ago that I had frequent dreams of being able to fly. I could just lean back, lift my feet and float upward and forward at will. I was always reclining and moving forward feet first. I would awaken with the feeling that I really could fly if I just tried hard enough. I never could. I haven’t totally given up on it, but I haven’t tried for a while. I know there are ways to fly with the proper equipment. I’ll have to settle on that if I decide I really need to fly.
There are lots of things I know I can do. I know because I have done them, or seen someone else do them. I know because they are normal everyday activities. Some things I know are possible with adequate training and preparation. To obtain the necessary skills and competence, I have to be committed to whatever it takes. As I have gotten older, I know that I need to focus on fewer things, and do them well. I’ve studied languages in the past and know the amount of time and practice involved to be proficient. I am beginning to learn another language. It is not at the top of my list of most necessary things to do, so it will take longer. I have a strong desire to learn, so I won’t give up on it. I am training for a run in a couple of months. It is important to me so I will keep focused on doing my best. I have a long list of things that interest me. They are in what I call my “could do“ list. Given the time and circumstances, they can be moved up in my “must do” list. My “could do” list will contain things that I won’t get around to during my lifetime. I review them often to make sure I’m not missing something that I “must do.”
In The Path of Least Resistance, author Robert Fritz says, “If you limit your choices to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” The truth is we all make compromises. We give up purely selfish choices for our families. In doing so, we turn family interests into what we truly want. In the end, we do what is most important to us. Our passion determines our action. We choose our priorities.
I know many things I can’t do. I know I can’t do them because I have no desire to do the necessary training and preparation. I simply am not interested in doing them. Some are just impractical based on my age and physical abilities. Some are just physically impossible. I don’t say, “I can’t,” to many things. But I know my practical limitations.
There are many things I can do as an individual if I set my mind to it. There are also many things that I can do as a member of a group. A large enough group can elect a president. A committed group can create a country from a colony. A group of people focused on a strong belief can change the world. By working together on a common goal, things that seem impossible can be accomplished. Afterward, it seems silly that there was ever any doubt that they were possible.
There are so many things that I can do, could do, and must do, that I don’t have to cling to impossible fantasies and dreams. Doing the possible is enough for me. Almost anything is possible.
Previously published in the Harper County Herald, in my column, I Wonder…, and published here with permission.
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Life and Death
April 22nd, 2010
Life and Death By Stan Weddle
Life is an awesome experience. How marvelous that we can be aware of our existence and even to a great extent, determine how our life story develops. Our life is the direct result of our parents. We didn’t have a vote in the matter, but here we are. Personally, I love my life. I have a general idea of how I want my life to be. I plan and work to make, and keep, my life the way I want it. Not everything that I plan works out the way I expect. There are too many variables that I can’t control. Most days I’m pleased with the results. I chose to count every day as a good day.
I think a lot about what part luck or chance plays in people’s lives. We were given our genetic makeup, and had no choice of the location and timing of our birth. We are strongly drawn to the religion and politics of our parents and of the community we grow up in. Our gender and preferences for potential mates were determined before we were born. The order in which we are born affects us. So many things that make us who we are, are not of our choosing. And yet, so many things in our lives are determined by the choices we make. We can move to another part of the world; we can change our religion and political thinking; we can change our mates and friends. We can become almost anyone we want to be. We can also choose to not make so many changes. Most people live their entire lives in the area where they were born. They practice the lifestyle of their ancestors. They follow the same religion. The choice is the individual’s to make. Some argue that we don’t have much choice at all; that it is predetermined for us.
We are each a unique individual. I love my uniqueness. I also can be inspired by the uniqueness of others. I can be happy being who I am and be thrilled by the life story and example of others. Our diversity adds richness to our lives.
One thing that we all share is a finite lifespan. We all die. Whether by accident, disease, or a body that just wears out from use, our life will end sometime. Life ends and the body decays. Many people fear death. Even thinking or talking about it make some uncomfortable. Why is so hard to embrace death as the natural event that it is? Is it because all our being is wrapped up in this thing we call life? There is nothing that we have ever experienced other than life. We love it. We don’t want to give it up. We would rather not consider it not continuing. But it will. Between birth and death we are conscious of our being. We can’t imagine nothingness. No one has returned from death without eventually dying again. The mystery of whether there is existence after death will remain a mystery until we experience our own death. Religions have developed ideas and theories about it, but there is no way of proving or disproving their claims until we face it ourselves; alone.
During the time span that we are alive, we protect and preserve the things we value. We value living. Whatever our circumstances, we cling to our life. Even when very ill, people struggle to live. We fight to nourish it. We don’t give it up easily. Survival is our strongest motivation. I love this life but I accept that death is part of it. I’m in no hurry for it, but I face it without dread or fear.
Previously published in my weekly column, I Wonder… in the Harper County Herald, an published here with permission.
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A Fresh Start
April 11th, 2010
A Fresh Start by Stan Weddle
With the hint of spring around the corner, I have the urge to begin cleaning and preparing for warm weather. It’s too wet and chilly to start serious yard work, so I’ve been straightening and cleaning indoors. I’ve been reviewing old files and notebooks to see what I can put in long term storage and what I can discard now. I found boxes of old notebooks and journals that I started years ago in which I faithfully wrote my thoughts and ideas and plans for a few weeks, or months, or days, and then abandoned. I suppose I got too busy to keep at the writing or some other reason. When I later decided to start again, instead of using an old book, I started in a fresh, new one. I suppose I didn’t want to see the reminder that I had failed to be persistent in the past. There is something about a new page that gives hope and excitement.
The beginning pages of several of the journals were very similar. I would lament my current feelings and status and list the things I planned to do to change my circumstances. Year after year I would list the same things because I had either failed to make the corrections in my life, or they were incomplete. Maybe the action I planned didn’t bring the result I expected. I never gave up in my desire for self improvement. I eventually made changes that have brought about a more satisfactory life. I began forgiving myself for being less than perfect. I allowed myself to have a fresh start.
I am still my harshest critic. I still expect a lot of myself. I truly am improving. The biggest change in my life came about when I became able to see that my own happiness and satisfaction came from within. Whatever others did, or didn’t do, was not responsible for my well-being. It is liberating for me, as well as others around me, that I can accept whatever happens as “just alright.” I’m still working on it, but I’m getting there.
I insist on keeping the commitments I make. I have overcome the old habit of being late for meetings and appointments. When I was younger, I scheduled far too many things every day. When I was running late from one appointment, I would call ahead and inform my next appointment that I would be late. Often I would have to cancel or reschedule. I was able to maintain a good relationship with my business associates, but it was stressful for everyone. I now have developed the habit of allowing plenty of time for driving. I usually arrive early enough that I can relax and prepare for whatever is on hand to do. I don’t see how I did it before.
Another important change is the acceptance that I have limitations. I can only work so many hours in a day. I accept that I can be happy with less. I don’t need to go everywhere and do everything or have everything. I try to do better with fewer activities. I have simplified my lifestyle and my activities. I have more satisfaction than when I was constantly busy. I plan to do even fewer things this year than last. I plan to enjoy it more. If that doesn’t keep me happy, I’ll make a fresh start. Of course, I’ll use a new notebook in which to write about it. I hope to continue to learn new ways to simplify and refine my habits so that I’m happier with myself and my life. I love spring. I love new beginnings. I love a fresh start.
Previously published in the Harper County Herald in my weekly column, I Wonder…, and published here with permission.
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Bread or Beer?
April 10th, 2010
Bread or Beer? By Stan Weddle
I try to spend my time living in the present. I try to focus on the work at hand. The activities I’m currently working on include remodeling my house, running a real estate business, and writing. For the most part, I work alone on the remodeling work. I love the challenge of visualizing a completed project and performing all the varied tasks that bring it to the finished product. In the process of doing the work, I see ways of improving the end result by varying from the plans and adding special touches. It is all very satisfying.
The real estate business involves research; keeping familiar with market conditions, financing options, as well as developing new business opportunities. I spend time with real and potential clients. Especially now, with the many problems with the economy I have to think about daily changes and how they affect my clients and my business. I love the mix of duties. I find satisfaction in matching my clients housing needs with the right property.
Writing is my favorite activity. As a writer, I spend more time thinking about writing than actually writing. Although I write about real estate and construction, my favorite subjects are about what makes people who they are. In satisfying my curiosity for clues to how we got to the present, I read within a lot of different disciplines. Ancient history and archeology were among my favorite subjects in college. I am amazed with the advances that are being made in the study of early humans. More and more scientific specialties are involved in the quest to learn about our early ancestors.
I recently came across a couple of books by the author, Patrick McGovern: Ancient Wine: The Search for the Origins of Viniculture and Uncorking the Past: The Quest for Wine, Beer, and Other Alcoholic Beverages. McGovern is a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology. Evidence shows that alcoholic beverages were produced and consumed at least as early as 9,000 years ago. This coincides with the timing of domestication of crops and building of civilizations. The author has developed the theory that the grain production and community building was no coincidence. He finds some reason to believe that alcohol played a big role in both. He suggests that beer, not bread was the major reason to grow and store grain. It is an interesting idea worth considering.
In any case, alcohol has played a significant role in the lives of people since that time. It was produced and consumed in almost all civilizations and cultures. Wine and other alcohol drinks were used recreationally, as well as in religious ceremonies and as medicine.
Archaeological studies of the earliest towns and cities reveal that religion and trade played major roles in daily life. The larger structures were used for religious ceremonies and functions and there are artifacts from far away regions. Labor became more specialized and cultures became more complex. People traded a simple lifestyle as hunter-gatherers for a complicated life with more and more goods were introduced. There is evidence that the majority of the goods produced and consumed were for the rulers and religious leaders, who were often the same people.
Much of what we know about ancient civilizations is from investigating the physical objects that were left behind by centuries of people, who lived and died without leaving a lasting record of their thoughts or activities. Their homes have long since become rubble, or decayed beyond recognition. Their activities are in evidence only from the discarded products of their labor. Writing developed and was limited to a few who learned the skill. Writing was most likely a specialty job for keeping business records. The lives of ordinary citizens weren’t a subject that seemed important to those who wrote or were directed to write.
The earliest forms of writing to survive were on hard surfaces of stone or clay. Later on, skins and paper were to writing surfaces that became common. Much of the world’s history has been lost because these records didn’t survive. Today, much of our writing is stored on electronic devices. With the widespread use of computers, millions of people are recording their daily thoughts and activities in journals and publishing their words on blogs and on online communities. People write about their everyday lives. They write about what they have for lunch. If these records survive, they can be studied by people whose lives are far removed from ours today.
I write for today and for the future. I hope that what I find important is important to others as well. My thoughts and daily activities may be similar to lots of other people, but are uniquely mine. It matters to me that I voice my thoughts and ideas.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to be able to read how an ancient ancestor selected a site for his home and the building methods he used? Wouldn’t you like to know how someone decided to move to a community so they could grow grain for bread or beer? I’d love to see the recipes for the ancient brews. I’d be very interested in knowing how a mother cared for her child in a distant time. I wonder…
This article was previously published in the Harper County Herald in my weekly column, I Wonder…, and reprinted with permission.
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Who Is My Family?
March 29th, 2010
Who is my family? by Stan Weddle
With some exceptions, we humans go to great lengths to take care of, and love our families. Parents work to establish a safe and comfortable home for their children. They feed, cloth, and educate them. They try to provide advantages and opportunities above and beyond what they have personally experienced. Children in turn care for older family members when they become unable to care for themselves. It is a social arrangement that assures survival of our species. The better job we do of nurturing our children, the better they will be at being able to care for their elderly. By taking care of our elderly, we build a cultural norm for our own future care. Beyond the physical and psychological needs we share a love for each other. Families are a wonderful thing.
Complex societies often create a breakdown in the simple family arrangement. Children leave the home and community they grow up in to go to school or find better financial opportunities. They make friends and create new family units away from parents. Family units often become divided by things such as accidents, war, crime, poverty, divorce, natural disasters, illness, and substance abuse. Governments attempt to step in and fill the role of family by providing assistance. In this country, we have social security for the elderly. We provide aid to families out of work and unable to work. We provide health care. Most of us agree these are good things. We often disagree on who should receive benefits, who should pay for these things and on the amount that we should provide. These issues should be addressed thoughtfully, with compassion and considered for what they really are. They are substitutions for family.
This season, as we enjoy the holiday celebrations, many of us will see family and friends we haven’t seen for a while. We will miss those family members who are separated from us for whatever reason. We will share memories of events of days past. We will share plans and hopes for the future. We will strengthen our family bonds. We will most likely be reminded that families are wonderful.
Most cultures have created formal definitions for family. They are based on the parent-child relationship. They can include members based on blood kinship and by marriage. They can include unrelated persons that are adopted as family. There is no universal, fixed definition for family. We, as individuals, can decide who is family. I believe we create a better world by expanding our family. Including others into our family who can create mutual benefits of love and care is good. It is even better when we can find the ability to include those who need more than they can contribute to our needs.
With the ability to instantly communicate with people anywhere in the world, we can develop friendships that can grow into strong bonds, like family, with people very different from us. We can recognize our differences, and still find common experiences that we can share. I look forward to reconnecting with family this holiday season. I also hope to find some new friends and grow them into family members. Families are wonderful!
This article first appeared in the Harper County Herald and is reprinted here with permission.
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Why Am I So Lucky?
March 29th, 2010
Why am I so lucky? by Stan Weddle
When I went into the military in 1968, the Vietnam War was in full action. I was told throughout training that I would be in combat. The school where I was sent for advanced training for several months had a tradition of allowing the top graduates a choice of duty stations if there were openings. There usually was at least one job opening somewhere other than Vietnam. I was finishing first in my class. I was so lucky.
My fiancé’s mother died just before graduation. To go to her funeral, I would have to miss my graduation and return to a class that was a month behind mine. I would lose my ranking and have to compete for ranking with the students in the new class. I chose to go. My original graduating class had two slots available in Germany. Since I held the top position, the person in third place moved up and was allowed a posting in Berlin. He was so lucky. After those two desirable positions, everyone else was sent to Vietnam. Their job there was to carry an 80 pound communications pack into a forward position and call in for bombers and artillery. This was one of the most dangerous jobs in the war. It created a very high percentage of casualties.
After the funeral, I returned to school and finished first in my new class. My friends who held the top places before wondered whether there would be more than one slot for a desirable post. They were angry at me for causing them to move down in ranking. When the notices of available job positions were announced, there were three available outside of Vietnam. I chose Berlin and my friends got Okinawa and Thailand. Those were our first choices. We all got what we wanted. We were so lucky.
I got married just before going to Berlin and my new wife was able to join me and spend the first year and a half years of our marriage together in a foreign country. We got to become best friends before returning home and starting a family together. We have been together for over 40 years. We have two happy, healthy, intelligent, and beautiful children and three happy, healthy, beautiful and smart grandchildren. I am so lucky.
I’m sure almost everyone has wondered at some time, why am I so lucky, (or blessed)? Or, why am I so unlucky? Why did I live and a friend die in a similar situation? Why was I born healthy and someone else came into this life with deformed limbs or mentally disabled? Some either blame or praise God for their fortune. Some are either angry or unappreciative of their circumstance. Some take personal credit for all that happens to themselves and some blame God or others for their situation.
As always, I have more questions than answers. We all must find answers in our faith, philosophy, and current state of being. Our questions change as we contemplate and seek answers. It is a lifetime search for satisfactory answers. The path to a fulfilled life is covered with the unknowable. We can find satisfaction in our questions. I am so lucky.
This article first appeared in the Harper County Herald and is reprinted by permission.
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On Being a Generalist and What I’m Doing Now
December 21st, 2009
Since I first started exchanging my time and services for money, I have had a variety of jobs and professions. It’s not that I’m not able to focus, I just have lots of interests and want to explore all of them. My pattern has been to work at a business until I have learned something from it and then move on to something else. I am a serial entrepreneur, but I often take breaks from active business development and spend time on personal development.
The last four years have been a time to relax and refresh. I have worked casually as a real estate agent and broker and taken time to work on remodeling my house, and write for pleasure. This weekend I made a decision to go back to work full time. I will be actively building my real estate business. I look forward to the rewards and challenges that are involved. I still have a month or two of work remaining on my remodeling. It is exciting seeing it all come together. Also, I will continue to write. Hopefully, I will write more often.
I’ll be posting my adventures as, and if, I find things that may be of interest to anyone besides myself.
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